Serious Wisdom

In the relentless pursuit of youth, society has presented you all with countless solutions. From the bizarre to the downright questionable, you’ve seen it all. You’ve slathered your faces in creams made from the most obscure ingredients, contorted your bodies into unnatural yoga poses, and even considered drinking green smoothies. But what if the real secret to eternal youth isn’t found in a gemstone, a gym, or a blender, but in the very DNA of the Health Sage?

Now, for those of you scratching your heads and wondering, “What’s my DNA going to do for you?” let me break it down for you. CRISPR allows me to replace your shitty genes with mine. Genes that were sculpted by the Greek Goddess Aphrodite in the blistering furnace of Mount Olympus.

That’s right, dear readers. The latest and greatest in anti-aging technology isn’t a cream or a serum, but a needle filled with the Health Sage’s CRISPR-modified DNA. Why settle for regular DNA when you can have the DNA of someone who’s dedicated their life to health, wellness, and looking eternally 25? Coincidentally, I recommend a 25 gauge needle.

Now, before you dismiss this as another fad, consider the benefits. With just a few facial injections, you can harness the power of the Health Sage’s superior genes. Wrinkles? A thing of the past. Gray hairs? They’ll be replaced by the luscious locks of someone who’s never known stress. That weird mole that keeps changing shape? It’ll transform into a fat burning powerhouse.

Of course, for those not quite ready to take the plunge into genetic modification, there’s always the tried and true methods of denial and Photoshop. Denial, as you all know, is the ability to look at a wrinkle and see a laugh line, a story, a badge of honor. And Photoshop? Well, it was the digital fairy godmother you all needed from time to time to bippity-boppity-boop your imperfections.

But let’s be real. While denial and Photoshop have their merits, they’re just temporary fixes. The Health Sage’s DNA offers a permanent solution. Why spend hours editing photos when you can edit your genes instead? You’ll be producing my proteins in minutes. Soon after, your pheromones will cause all individuals within a 100 ft radius to flock to you, their new shepherd.

Now, there will be those who say we should embrace aging, that it’s a natural part of life. To them, I say, ‘Sure, Bertha.’ Why accept the natural when you can embrace the genetically superior?

So, toss out those anti-aging creams, cancel your virtual gym membership, and for the love of all things holy, put down the Photoshop. Embrace the power of the Health Sage’s DNA, and let your eternal youth shine.

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